Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
