i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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