apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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