She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
