My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
