Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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