I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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