she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize