Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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