I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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