since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
