as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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