I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
