8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
