She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
