The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
