update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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