i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
