My room smells like vodka and shame
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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