i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
