I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
