Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I think a kid would responsible me up
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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