you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
