my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
