I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
