By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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