I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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