my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
