I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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