what day is it and did you see me today?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Randomize
