I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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