Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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