i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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