omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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