She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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