gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
