i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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