I think my fart just growled at me.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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