He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
