Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
