I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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