Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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