Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
i need some magic done to my vagina
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize