So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
