I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
