Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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