well I can't set my house on fire every night
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
