my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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