Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize