before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I got inside last night via doggy door
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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