You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
