I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
