FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
