We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
