i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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