You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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