he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
