i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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