He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
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