i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize